Jul 3, 2015
Jul 2, 2015
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Even though I had a rough emotional and physical childhood, looking back as an adult I would have to say I was very blessed as a kid. I had many opportunities that many have not had, and I grew up in a very rich spiritual and family heritage. Watching one of my favorite talk shows, The Real, I got an idea to write about what I would tell me younger self if I could go back in time and talk to myself from my twenties and younger. My husband said that my list is long, so I guess that means that I was in need of a lot of encouragement when I younger.
My list of what I would tell my younger self:
- · What people say about you does not define you· Things will get better over time
- Your best days are yet to come
- · You are beautiful inside and out
- · Just be yourself….you do not have to be a people pleasure to be accepted
- · You are so blessed and rich from where you came from
- · Who you are today is much different much different from whom you will become
- · You will grow so much for the better
- · Accept yourself for who you are and love yourself
- · Love and appreciate your differences
- · Your mistakes and wrongs in life do not define you
- · You are truly forgiven if you ask for forgiveness….you do not have to beat yourself up over and over again for your mistakes
- · Unforgiveness keeps you in bondage and forgiveness frees you
- · Keep your focus on the good and positive things in your life and give up all the negative things for God to handle
Jul 1, 2015
Jun 30, 2015
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I was bullied in school from 3rd grade through the 9th. I was a sick child and missed being at school most of my 3rd grade year. Due to my illness, when finally I returned to school I had hardly any hair. Kids are some of the cruelest people. It also did not help that I was a tomboy, too. I got teased and made fun of daily. I was called names--I was called gay--I was called ugly. I came home hurt and crying almost every day. I tried to tell my parents about my problems, seeking help on how to handle my situation but their response and lack of response emotionally hurt me as much as the kids at school were hurting me. I actually remember two occasions when I was really hurt by some comments of others and when I told my parents laughter was the response I got back. There was a certain name that the kids were calling me and when I told my parents that name they just laughed as well. Another day at a restaurant I had to use the bathroom and when I was walking to go to the lady’s room a man stopped me and told me that I was going into the wrong restroom because he thought I was a boy. I was embarrassed and his comment was evidence to me that I really was ugly. When I told my parents what happened, seeking sympathy and encouragement, but instead laughter was the response I received. I fought hard to hold back tears in front of my parents during both times.
I did not communicate to my parents anymore about all the bad things going on in school. My parents failed to meet my emotional needs as a young girl in pain, and they were actually adding to my emotional hurt. Their response to me trying to communicate in the past left me feeling emotionally unsafe and insecure. By the time I moved to middle school the teasing and named calling progressed into some other bad things. Children not only said mean and bad things to me, but they did mean and bad things to me too. The bad things that happened to me, I have kept secret since childhood though I have shared some of these things with my husband, but with no one else.
Entering 10th grade my family had moved to a different city and no one knew of my past. The teasing, name calling and other bad things stopped at school, but things were very ugly at home. I was a very emotionally hurt girl, and I was very angry at my parents for not being emotionally available to me in times when I felt like I needed them the most. I did not talk to them much and when I did talk it often led to arguments. I was tired of all the arguments at home and crying at night.
I can remember many times having a great day at school but dreading going home because my best day most always changed quickly to my worst days once I got home. During our arguments some of the words said from my parents hurt me more than the words said to me at school in the past. I took those words and just cried myself to sleep each night. I had a real hard time convincing myself that my parents really loved me. Deep down I knew they did, but I did not feel that they liked me.
My most vivid memories are during my final two years in high school. That was a time when two major things changed in me. I decided to stop being an emotional punching bag to my parents. Because of home life I had no more desire to live. I often felt more bullied at home than I had been bullied at school. I was tired of being emotionally hurt over and over again by my parents. Something in me told me that I was being weak and that I needed to stop letting my parents keep hurting me without me standing up for myself and defending myself. Once I started trying to actually take a stand for myself the drama, and arguments increased dramatically. I wanted to give my parents a taste of how they were making me feel and I succeeded in doing that. My father was the main one who’s words were causing me the most hurt and once I turned around and starting boldly speaking my mind I caused my father to keep silent. He would go days not talking to me. This went on often enough that I decided to play my father’s own games. I would too not speak to him, and my competitive nature made it so that I would go longer not speaking to him than he would not speaking to me.
During this time I had also rededicated myself to God and hooked up with a Christian organization. I tried really, really hard to handle home life in the way that would honor God, but the meanness going on in my household broke me. Not only did I feel like I needed to stand up for myself towards my parents, but I even felt like I needed to stand up for my sister. Each night I argued with my dad I felt like I failed and disappointed God. I first tried standing up to my parents in as a respectable way as possible but then I started getting really nasty and ugly. I did not feel like I could live the way that God wanted me to live while being in that home environment. The first time I silenced my dad, I was just trying to finally speak on how his actions were making me feel. I had no intention of hurting him, but I guess I did. Him not talking to me hurt me and that is when the ugliness and the nastiness started coming out of me. I consider it a miracle that I was able to endure what I have called emotional abuse. I could have not endure it without God. Looking back now I am glad that I did not end my life.
Bringing you back to current time, my conflict with my husband caused him to close out and go quiet and that scared me. I have done the same with him many times in our marriage because I did what was familiar to me. I have since grown and our relationship over the past couple of years has been better than ever. We have grown so much together and have learned how to more effectively handle conflict. Well on Saturday I had caused my husband to get upset. He had felt like I had done something that I tend to do often, interrupt. To resolve the issue I had quickly apologized, and I expressed to him that I honestly thought he was done talking. I was not trying to interrupt him. He seemingly thought it was no way that I could have thought he was done talking and that I was just being selfish so I could say something. I actually had nothing to say. I had asked my husband a question and he started answering the question in a way that he does at times. He will give all the back ground story and history of his answer before he actually gives the answer. I was unaware that he was doing his back ground/history talk so when I thought he was done talking, I kind of re-asked the question again. He got upset saying that he was getting to the answer, but I would not let him get to his answer. After explaining myself I told him I was ready to be quiet and hear his answer, but he said he did not have anything to say anymore. That made me furious because I was trying hard to effectively handle our conflict and he was acting like he did not want to. The scene seemed all too familiar to me. The rest of the evening we did not talk much. I actually made him upset again. The next morning my husband did not say good morning to me like he normally does and he actually did not say a word to me at all. Once he left the room my mind starting thinking that my husband does not like me and that I did not sign up to repeat this silent type of relationship again. By the time I made it to the bathroom to take a shower I exploded in uncontrollable tears. I just knew I could not take going through another relationship like I had in my youth.
My husband and I made up after church. But when our Bishop talked about how you cannot have a relationship with someone when you do not talk to them constantly, I knew that was what scared me the most about my husband earlier that morning. I did not want to lose my relationship with my husband, and I knew I would if he kept refusing to talk to me.
Even though I have acknowledged, accepted, moved on and forgiven my parents, I still now do not have the best relationship with them. It’s my normal and I am fine with that, but it makes perfect sense to me now why this is true. I am now able to communicate with my parents with love and without anger, but as it is I still do not talk to them frequently.